Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
