Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
