I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
