I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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