Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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