Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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