She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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