If i come over, it means nothing
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
