My liver just broke up with me...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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