1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
