Please don't use social media to get back at me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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