i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
