that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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