Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
