i would punch a child for taco bell
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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