Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
