He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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