I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
