with your own penis?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
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I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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