im six kinds of drunk right now
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
