Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
