You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
