peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
