I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
There was a lot of him and a little penis
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
