Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude i'm inner monologue high
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
