So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He did a backflip because drugs
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