I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
