Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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