This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
