when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
