SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
