Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
