Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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