We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
