Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
