u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
