bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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