my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
