i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
