Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
