Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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