K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you had me at cake vodka
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
