at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
