I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
