where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
