He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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