Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
