someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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