her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
