you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
