It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
