I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
