Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
