billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
