He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
