Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
