i used baking grease as lip gloss
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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