the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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