Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
