yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
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