so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
